RHYME

I put all my ducks in a row,
Lead them to water, they drank,
Yet ate bread from another hand,
And now I’m all out my bread,
So I’ve come to the conclusion,
That this make believe fairy tale,
Was more rabbit hole than wonderland,
And even though,
The fruit and flowers were fabulous,
They were faux, fictitious, and fabricated,
And once I figured it all out,
Things exacerbated,
I was watching flames in the frozen forest,
As far as the eyes could see,
I didn’t believe,
As the horse became man,
And the since deceased birds and bees,
Pollinated a purple tree,
Which grew purple leaves,
With purple fruit,
That unsurprisingly had purple seeds,
Soon, I realized I had been oblivious to true existential means,
I had done it all,
But what did I do at all,
Just to set me off like a bomb,
Middle finger to me when I see that I’m the killer,
Because I don’t know what’s worse,
Flaming Butterflies
Or Melting Caterpillars..

In my mind, it's "Do or Die",
We're losing time,
On my watch, I see ten 'o five,
Drooping eyes,
Surfacing what was once deep inside,
Promises broken and government lies,
If there's nothing to worry about,
Why are we still struggling to stay alive,
What was once knee high,
Is now waist-high,
Racing up your backside,
Memory's fading,
Hope is dying,
Pulling from my mind what I despise,
Though last in line, I'm first to cry,
Sorrows and weeping because all can die,
What I'm saying is not a lie,
I'm just trying to get you to see eye to eye..

They say once you've hit rock bottom, the only way left is up.
I negated this seemingly unquestionable thought. I said to myself, "What if I am rock bottom?"
What if I am rock bottom like that's not my position,
Things are weighted on me and my lovers leave with or without my permission,
I'm missing,
Nonexistent,
I'm invisible and inaudible,
But even if they could hear,
They'd never listen,
A splitting image of good, talented, and gifted,
But no one gives a shit,
The only voice I truly have is my cranium, but it's lifted,
My head was peeled off and completely twisted,
Tweaked, then placed back with a chip in,
It causes me to overthink and engage as if to be a menace,
The problem is I think that I probably did it,
Just to try and fit in,
And feel normal and funny like the other kids,
I wanted happiness,
Not more pain and reminiscences,
And ponderous premonitions,
Sometimes I feel like this would be good riddance if I end this and be finished,
But I forgot to mention,
Without me as rock bottom with good potential and intentions,
No one would ever rise back to the top after falling into to the depths of my trenches...

It’s getting harder and harder to sleep,
Even when I don’t hear a peep,
Cupid was stupid and killed all my sheep,
A nuisance that’s better in dreams...

My life is a cloud of smoke,
Bold first,
Visible,
Then into the cold air, it partially dissipates,
And people just see right through me,
Tis' as if I were never there all along,
I feel empty,
Useless,
I'm fanned away,
The more and more my leaving's provoked,
The more and more I become non-existent,
My life is a cloud of smoke...

I thought she had my back,
But I’m still looking for the other side of me,
They tell me to keep my head up,
But it’s my body that’s drooping honestly,
This girl broke the lock from the last girl that broke the key,
Then she took my heart out, left me like a shell, and got me empty,
Now, I’m cold and frozen over like the Arctic used to be,
Reminiscing painfully,
Mourning over your memories,
I wish that probably if some girl would just call me,
That she would take anything more off of me,
I want to sleep just for somebody to call me,
When the coast is clear and nobody else would rob me,
But in this mind-state you see me in,
Chaos from the beginning to the end,
Like,
Girls thieving out their minds,
But they ain’t gotta do no time,
Saying “Yeah, they understand”,
When really they don’t give a damn,
Is that a crime or is a women’s logic everywhere,
Trying to find love, but girls keep on telling fairy tales,
Stab me in the back and I think she should go to jail,
New girl says she loves me, but she gon’ have to swear,
Love is everywhere,
So keep me in your prayers,
Do you really care or was this a truth or dare,
Now, I’m frozen, stone cold frozen,
Looking at me with your eyes full of poison,
Before then, you weren’t in my brain and it was silent..
Now it's noisy, yeah,
Playing leapfrog with my thoughts in there,
All this nonsense I forget it,
I should've said no to you in the beginning,
You're just losing, I'm just winning,
Snoozing on your texts, Nothing moving,
You're still choosing,
But ain't not choice to be chosen because I'm through it like..
Set me free from this ice.

Staring out the window of time,
Watching life fly by,
Infinite possibilities and paths unknown,
And just as many on my own,
Fragments of the future, past, and present are every second’s being,
I watch the Earth’s spin among the stars I wish to be..

The end is near,
I can’t move on,
I feel emotions coming on,
I feel ignored,
I’m taking shots and not taking score,
But what for?
To cure my pain and agony,
It's like heartbreak, but a tragedy,
And day after day, I’ve never felt it go away,
Only make me stay awake,
Waiting for some other days,
Thinking back on better times,
Looking for the reason "why",
Why?
Do you do this to me?
Why are we always arguing or bickering?
Are you listening?
You never thought this relationship was diminishing,
Are you kidding me?
How am I the enemy?
Is this really what you think of me?
Maybe it is me,
I'm changing and I'm sorry that you didn't see,
I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you wanted me to be,
Because I'm me and finally I'll be free,
Freer than you've ever seen,
Because I'm gone,
In the blink of an eye,
Is this really what you want?
Don't lie...

I am the voice unspoken,
Hence the silence,
I am the face unseen,
I have no eyelids,
I am the trend unworn,
No color or pattern,
I am the unshaken hand,
Of Sadness or Laughter,
Decisions and deals,
The bad or the good,
I am hearts healed,
And equally hearts broken,
I am the body dead,
Or yet grown,
I am the Unknown.

This is the opposite of a eulogy for me and you,
Once together forever, but that time isn’t coming soon,
You grabbed a noose and hung me in the closet and locked it, inescapable,
Like an old sweater you’ll never wear cuz it’s too ugly and itchy, uncomfortable,
Well now I’m back, resurfaced,
Like I’m upchucking all of my problems,
Spaghetti on walls if I were to solve em’,
I hate that you couldn’t see I was trying my hardest,
I was waiting for you when you said school was the problem,
But you left me on Earth while you readied your rocket,
We had magical moments that were better than Disney,
Now, I’m walking into rooms with elixirs and neon daily,
How does all of the love we perfected turn into a love we regretted,
Or how can you turn and forget it,
Or not feel the pain of the lesson,
The past is a haunting pathetic,
Now, I’m dead inside because all the pieces you took of me are neglected,
How can she not remember what we had from beginning to ending,
But there was really no ending,
Just an abrupt decision to send me,
Back into the Hell from which you say I ascended..

All my days are the same,
Disconnected, but together like a train,
I might be losing my little bit of sane,
I’m ready to get up with my things and walk away,
I’ve been nicked and scraped and bruised and cut then burnt,
Buried alive then dug back up to be asked if I was hurt,
My mind’s like crumbled paper and broken bottles,
Losing worth,
All this talent so I thought I found myself,
Yet still I’m on that search,
Looking for a better state of mind,
My mind is filled with its own rage,
Sharp, but dangerous like a dull blade,
They say I’m always going down the wrong path or that it’s dark,
They only say that because it’s my own way,
I’ve been doing this from the start..

Pain is a funny lil something,
Funny by the way it keeps on coming,
I lock it out and board the doors,
Write a song to a couple chords,
Trying to hide the mental sores,
And it still comes in bombarding,
Rushing, charging in like it was never forgotten,
Bottled up and discarded,
Shot into space on top of a rocket,
Sometimes I even try to stuff it in my pockets,
That was in the beginning,
When my mind wasn't so crowded, but empty,
And it seems life was good in that century,
Until reality hit me,
It took a dagger and nicked me,
Left an ugly wound and said, "Remember me?",
And you know, I surely did,
Shake my head trying to say "no" to the meds,
Leaving me to pain, but hoping for loving instead...

How did we go from affinity to adieu ad infinitum?,
Before all our love became sham, my mind was never stuck ibidem,
I'm beginning to feel like an idiot wanting to end it,
I can admonish that you want to abolish it,
You once admired me, now you hate ad nauseam,
Don't you know love is bipartisan?,
Now I'm left to brood at night,
But let me whet your wits,
You turn benign to malign real quick...

Between you, me, myself and I, there is no fucking unity,
You align all of us up just to shoot at me,
That affects myself and my mental health,
And it's hard to tolerate this shit, man, it's a lot,
I've got to do a lot of things to keep myself together,
You say I haven't acted like me since forever,
I'm honestly about to tell you just to give me back my fuckin' sweater,
About to give up and move on to something better,
I never should have even left my house that day like fuck the weather...

Pain please subside,
Why reside up in my mind,
It resonates like dings and chimes,
I'm never fine,
I never knew loving you would make me cry,
My head is unscrewed,
I'm ticking now,
The bomb is loose,
Time to put my mind on cruise,
And make a move,
To set the bar and give 'em proof,
I never lose...

I don't mean to be demanding,
But you aren't understanding,
The struggles, the chances,
A million questions, no answers,
And I'm sorry for the stress,
I'm sorry for the games I played,
I know we turned into a mess,
And we will never be the same...

I'm warning you right now that I'm going to make a mistake,
The choice I've been given is one that I will never be ready to make,
Every second of the hour, I'm thinking about the risks and what it would take,
Will it make me happier? And will you be okay?,
Will this mistake come to haunt me? And will I then be afraid?,
Will I breakdown in tears thinking about you one night?,
Will you ever forgive me for my mistakes and turn on alright?,
I bet you'll lie to me and tell me that you're okay,
When you really are hurt inside thinking that I used you for something other than your love or your brain,
All you have to trust me with is my words because we aren't close enough to prove a thing,
One time, that a conquerable distance grew up pain and that pain grew a silent violence,
That silent violence raged into a separation that kept the quiet,
Really wishing it wasn't life like this,
And when I dream, I never dreamt of it quite like this,
And why'd the thought come forth in such a night like this?,
Darling, I love you and sorry for this...

I remember the time I experienced a rare love,
A love so beautiful, we were both content we were enough,
To satisfy our every need, never holding back anything,
Even if we weren't together, we would spend the night in a dream,
It felt as though nothing would happen as long as we stayed clean,
Called each other baby even when we were angry,
It was the same lovely things over and over again,
But it was everything to us. You and I. We,
Were so perfect. It seemed nothing would ever sever you from me,
It seemed like nothing could ever come in between,
It was all an illusion high at its peak,
Blind is he or I who didn't see the past, go back, and freeze,
Like a mannequin figurine. High as a kite off his dreams,
Built from the things he believed were true,
Because honesty is key and patience is a virtue,
So time flew by and he finally was able to come from under the stage,
Draw the curtains and look you in the face,
Hundreds of you. What a sight so phenomenal and great,
But the anxiety grew and the fear seemed abominable,
So much, I grew sick in my abdominal,
Sick of pain, the mental and physical strain,
But still calling to see if you're okay,
Trying to take every mistake,
Although we said it a hundred times a day,
This one just didn't feel the same,
Tears in my eyes because there's only one escape,
Words that I never wished to say,
I don't know how to say it in any other way,
Now they echo in my brain,
Leaving me awake at night to contemplate,
Fearing I would see you in my dream,
While still thinking back on the forever we believed,
Then you say you hate me,
Yet, I love you anyway...

I'm caught, captured, and grasped by so many things hard to explain,
My brain is intricate and abstruse, but distant and screwed loose,
I feel as though I have failed an unliving life without a purpose,
The show's is not over, but all I see is closed curtains and it's hurting,
I know that I shouldn't do this, but I'm walking with closed eyes and hands tied,
My mouth is shut, so that I can speak no lies,
I'm partially tongue tied,
It's just as twisted as my cold life...

Corona Virus,
Like a tool to tell us to stay away and keep quiet,
To limit all the violence,
To further disable the old and the weak,
To set the world ablaze without a fire...

The social distancing is provoking and increasing my insanity,
All the profanity wanting to rage out against the man in me,
Unsatisfied with humanity,
I'm looking in the mirror stiff and sturdy,
Carrying these weights almost as if to be the vanity...

What's the probability of my insanity,
Coming in and stabbing me while I'm half asleep,
This Corona virus is tragedy,
Half a million dead in seven weeks,
I can't leave the house or even go to sleep,
Thinking back on days where I could talk to you happily,
Now we're more than distant and I think you're mad at me,
But I'm never mad at you because you are unique as a snowflake,
I was looking forward to spending time with you,
But with the world, it might be too late,
And it's alright if it never happens,
I just hope that you're okay...

You're my wake-up call and my morning dew,
You're the greenery out my window's view,
You're the sweet sensations of my kitchen's fumes,
You're the birdsongs and the crickets too,
You're my daydreams and my sunshine,
You're the tulips and the fireflies,
You're the honey bees and the butterflies,
You're my pumpkin pie, my sweet sugar high,
You're the sunsets and the starry skies,
You're the campfire dancing under bokeh lights,
You're the soft whispers of the wildlife,
You're the cocoa I sip whilst peering into your eyes,
You're the Borealis over marshmallows,
With your head on my shoulder,
Watching our time, our minds, the comets, and worries,
Just drift away with each zephyr slowly,
You're the sweet susurration held true of yore,
You're everything so beautiful and more,
And I love you.

Onto Earth, you fell,
Of breathe and life, you walk,
And then I found you so astonishing,
That I compliment you with every thought,

Oh my! Your eyes!
How beautiful and delicate they are to me,
“Perfect!”, your Creator must’ve said,
I think here as I stand,

And your laugh!
Happily, I replay it over and over in my head,
Oh, what I would do to hear it again,
I think here as I stand,

What a personality!
Never dull, lifeless, or bland,
When I’m around you, my heart and mind shake hands,
I think here as I stand,

Such a smile!
So precious like diamonds and beach sand,
How you stole it from an angel is something I have yet to comprehend,
I think here as I stand,

Then your voice!
How sweet and soothing,
5 stars! Would highly recommend,
Like an Angel’s soft touch on my heart,
I think here as I stand,

Moments, minutes, seconds gone by,
Since I’ve seen or heard you,
Yet, I can sense vibrance of your soul’s lights,
You just can help being a star, can you?

So think here as I stand,
Admiring all about you,
Do you think the reason you’re so perfect and beautiful?,
Is because you’re the Creator’s Stencil?

I love you far beyond your understanding, my dear,
For example, one look into your eyes can easily set the atmosphere,
But I fear only misunderstanding,
Though, I still know don't know what goes on in this thing between my ears,
Our love is too much to explain and too much to try and physically make appear,
Sometimes, I want to disappear,
But your love is the only thing keeping me here,
I know you so well, I can sense when you are near,
Every time I talk to you, you fix one of my mind's damaged gears,
When good memories are directed here, I only cry for you joyous tears...

I tasted the blade,
It tastes like your blood,
You say I'm insane,
I wish that I was,

Maybe I wouldn't be,
So (damn) in love with you,
Trying to think who I was,
Just to be beat by you,

I can't afford you a box,
But that is okay,
You know you're always welcome,
Over at my place, (my favorite roommate),

Your skin starts to swell,
Worms seem to love on your face,
That's when you say,
That's more than I did for you, babe,

That put me in rage,
I throw dirt in your face,
You killed me inside,
By just spewing those lies,

And I'll never hurt you,
Not like you did to me,
So let's end this right now,
Lay me so cold and comfy,

I tasted the blade
It tastes like our blood,
You say I'm insane,
I wish that I was,

Maybe I wouldn't be,
So (damn) in love with you,
Trying to think who you were,
To be beaten by me,

You can't afford me a box,
But that is okay,
You like seeing my face,
Even though it will change,

My skin starts to swell,
Bugs chew on my flesh,
That's when you say,
I'm sorry for this, babe..

1,452 hurts
Your mind cannot render me
I am unfathomable
I'd rather you end me
Let's keep a tally of
All of the times you thought I was incapable
And I took it to heart, now my joy is untraceable
All of the times you made my life worse
And continued to inflict regardless of hurts
Your words are a flame and my thoughts are combustible
I have no friends, I ask you to stop, you think it's laughable
You hit me, kick me, push me around
You tease me, taunt me, make me the clown
I try to make peace, you say that I'm weak and a fool
I tell an adult, but I get they're children and that's what they do
You wanted a life in which I was one under you?
Well now you've got it, don't think I lay comfortable
Your mind cannot render me
I am unfathomable
Your doings have ended me
I kept a tally of
All of the things you thought I was incapable
And I took it to heart now my body's untraceable
All of the times you made my life worse
Now painless I lie six feet in the dirt
0 hurts

Hey, my name is Hex,
But you can call me suicidal,
I wrote you this letter while on drugs,
That's the new meaning of a high note,
Before you ask me any questions,
Yes, I'm falling down a spiral,
The double helix that I'm bleeding got be checking on my vitals,
Viral like videos of Michael,
That's what every kid wants to be it seems,
Or at least the ones that I know,

They’ll say I’m crazy when I deck ‘em,
But check my records, it’s my title,
You can see it’s clearly in my blood,
And everyone will get like it’s Type-O,

My mind is on the ceiling, spinning around like vinyl,
But I still can't scratch the surface of who I really am inside though,
Producing a bit of music for the vicinity
To tune in
But then screw back on my head just before I’m about lose it,
I think I’m so distraught that if I think another thought,
Never mind, wait, wait a sec, Is this a paradox?
I don’t even know, because either way my life sucks,
Oh, now walks in my demons, Hello, hello, What’s up?,

She agreed to love me,
That agrees to fight my demons and me,
See? I'm not as perfect as I might seem,
I poured bleach all on my clothes, so more than just my veins could bleed,

And more than just my smile would fade,
I lay here in silence, stuck between my demons and my mental state,
Wishing I could run away,
Off to find my happy place…

What is sleepy time to the boy that can't close his eyes?
What is truth to the boy who has to live off of lies?
What is love to the boy whose pain will never subside?
What is hope to the boy who always spends his night crying?
Laying awake,
Watching the day bleed into another day,
Wishing all his woes away,
I don't think you understand the pain this kid goes through every day,
And all you do is give a "ha ha ha ha" right to his face,

But if he disappears, what would you say?
If he just disappears, what would the new say?
If he just disappears, would you finally feel his pain?
Because suicidal is a new name,

This girl, she wears makeup and dresses to impress,
Hides her insecurities, yet she still gets called a mess,
People are packing on her stress,
They are messing with her head,
It doesn't matter what she says,
No one ever calls it quits,
Now it's a moonlit sky and it's starting to get dense,
She lights up her essence as her poison's swallowed thick,

Then it intensifies and she's carving out her thighs,
It all happened overnight,
Her only battle is to live or die,
Now she bleeds in the shadows under moonlight,
Because whatever you said you should've thought twice,

But if she disappears, what would you say?
If she just disappears, what would the new say?
If she just disappears, would you finally feel her pain?
Because suicidal is a new name.

Deep inside her mind, it's a book of nightmares open wide,
You think it's cool when you read her story, but have you read between the lines,
The way that twists turns, and trouble all get into her head,
It would make you wish you didn't have to go to bed,
The terrors in her mind only bring back memories that she dreads,
Wishing she could die or run away never to be seen again,
The only thing she's ever wanted is for people to understand,
But she can only explain to you what it's like by saying,

"My blade's a little bloody red,
Tears in my eyes as I lay awakened in my bed,
It's from all the craziness and the mistakes I've ever made,
And now trying to love will never be the same,
My thighs and my wrists show the misunderstandings those people gave me,
Why say I'm perfect, then turn around and try to change me?
I try to stop it and open up, but what I do is not enough,
Now I'm just living in this cycle, faking smiles and acting tough."

I've got nervous ticks from what myself inside my head just said,
When I, too, was being pinned, cornered, and played by my consciousness,
I said how can you expect others to understand you if you can't understand yourself,
Those words were loaded into a gun and I had shot myself,
I was face down in an underground library with only books of truth left,
Walking my days as a stray with tunnel vision while speaking to no one else,
Destination unknown,
Taking giant leaps to make baby steps,
It's come to the point where I understand not a thing except,

"My blade's a little bloody red,
Tears in my eyes as I lay awakened in my bed,
It's from all the craziness and the mistakes I've ever made,
And now trying to love will never be the same,
My thighs and my wrists show the misunderstandings those people gave me,
Why say I'm perfect, then turn around and try to change me?
I try to stop it and open up, but what I do is not enough,
Now I'm just living in this cycle, faking smiles and acting tough."